The Lull

I find myself in a constant state of reflection: things I can do differently, what I can do better, what I see myself doing in the future, activities and lifestyle that bring me ultimate happiness in the long run, etc.

My mind is constantly running and I want to know more and more about everything that I think about.

How is it that we can have the answer tugging at our souls and we see it in our minds so clearly but we just do not have what it takes to get there? …Laziness for me, mostly. No, no, my vegan diet has not wavered, and other than some Ezekiel Bread here and there, I don’t waver much from the gluten free aspect either. Why? Because it’s become easy to find what I need and want with little effort (laziness). This isn’t really about that…

My mind runs rapid with things that I want to do, that I love or think I would love, that I don’t do, that I want to do, that I need to do, to get to the place where I can start feeling like I am actually living for a purpose.

These things come to mind immediately:
-mountain biking
-Hiking with my dog
-Working out at home
-Learning calisthenics
-Journal (my attempt today)
-Practicing Yoga
-Camping (more than once or twice a year)
-Get involved with like-minded people
-Have a successful garden
-Learn Urban homesteading
-debt free
-Connectedness with nature and people

These are the things that came to my mind immediately, and there are so many more. The list truly goes on. My passions far extend my time and ability, why? Because I’m stuck at a job, that I need, that takes up 40 hrs of my week with something that I am not super passionate about. Everything takes time, extra time, outside of work, time that we don’t always have. My job isn’t hard necessarily, but anyone that works 40 hrs a week is typically done once their day is over. Our motivation is little when it comes to doing extra things that involve more work that would actually bring us insurmountable amounts of pleasure. It’s a vicious cycle.

All I want to is to help people become connected with something greater just as I want to become connected with something greater. I want to provide an example and way of living that is simplistic and fulfilling, an example that shows it is still possible to connect with something greater than just going about every day in our same robotic way: punching the alarm, eat, shower, chores, work, eat chores, tv, phone, sleep, repeat.

Something so deep inside me tells me that we weren’t meant to live this way, and that part of me is dying to get out and live.

Sometimes I think if I had more energy to start doing things I enjoy before and after work, it would lead me to something great, or if I just had the ability to start over, or didn’t have bills, debt, and obligation breathing down my neck I could be free from all of it. It’s completely unrealistic, yet, it shouldn’t be.

It shouldn’t be unrealistic to live debt free, sustainable, happy, passionate, without relying on loans and a screwed up government system to help get us there. It shouldn’t be unrealistic to take care of ourselves without having to have a debit card, bank, 40 hr a week job that with a degree, is still barely enough to get by. We are set up to fail if we want to move away from the system we have been set up to depend on (consumerism), yet it’s what keeps us from drowning, even though we are suffocating in it. I just want to get out, and I don’t know how.

I have a vision, a vision for my life, what I am here for. Has anyone been in the same boat? If so, what did you do? How did you get out and start living the way that you want to live?


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